Entstanden in Zeiten von Corona, Filmakademie Ludwigsburg November 2020
Auszug: Song 4
APRIL 2020
He definitely has it. Or he has had it. Definitely. He seems to be doing this more often. He was too eager. So was I. A bit desperate, to be honest. I’m not sure what I’m doing here though. I know, I shouldn’t be doing it. He knows it too. He shouldn’t be here. I should ask him to leave. But he came all this way, didn’t he? And things are still… well weird. There are still so many broken things. Too many broken hearts. But I am desperate. I guess. It doesn’t cost me anything to say it. I won’t though. I shouldn’t. It’s irresponsible. It’s dangerous even. For so many reasons. But it is my birthday and… it’s just… I just… I haven’t touched anyone in such a long time. That is not poetry. That is not an exaggeration. I haven’t had a single sensible human contact in almost two months. Two months, without so much as a fingertip. His fingertips. My God! I’m losing my mind. I never knew such a simple thing could feel so much. I never knew a touch could produce so much emotion. It vibrates through my entire body. And those were just his fingertips. I am so hungry. I am starving. How could I refuse this? Even though, I should. For all the reasons. He comes closer. He shouldn’t. He shouldn’t be so close. For all the reasons. His breath. His warmth. Fuck! I’ve been cold so long, I guess, I didn’t even know that I was cold anymore. And I can’t stop feeling ridiculous. Pathetic even. How can a person be so lonely? How can a person have so little strength? And self-respect? But he is here. And I can touch him. And I long for him. And I miss him. And I miss the touch, even as I am feeling it. If he comes any closer now, I will have it. He has it! I know he has it! He’s not that way. He doesn’t care. And why do I? If he comes any closer now, I will have to kiss him. I will not be able to resist. And we’re not even in the apartment yet. And I will burn. And I will like it. Because we all need to burn from time to time, don’t we? God, I hate him! God, I hate myself! God I… God won’t help me. This will happen. And I want it to happen. That was the arrangement. And it is my birthday. So why not? Except for all the reasons. I want him to touch me now! Please touch me! I can’t live like this any longer! You have to touch me now. Everywhere. Though I can’t promise, I won’t turn into stone. And yes, I still love you. And that’s why it will feel so familiar. And that might just save me. And you will do this for me, because it is my birthday. And then I will never tell you how much this meant to me. To be touched by someone. To be touched by you. Even though we might be setting everything around us in flames. Well… fuck it! Enough yammering. Let’s do this!